Twist
by joedan84
Summary: (CHAPTER 2 UP!) In Chloe's utter boredom she does the unthinkable: reads Lana's Twist magazine. (NOT 'A Twist'!!!)
1. Have The Prettiest Holiday Ever

Started: December 12, 2002

Finished:

Last Episode Seen Before Writing: Skinwalker

Pairing: slight Chloe/Clark

Rating: PG-13

Category: Humor, Angst

Spoilers: slight Tempest/Vortex (will change as chapters are added!)

Summary: In Chloe's utter boredom she does the unthinkable: reads Lana's Twist magazine. 

Disclaimer: I do not own Chloe, Smallville, Twist magazine, or any parts thereof.

Author's Note: This fic is meant for fun. The opinions of Chloe are not to be taken seriously, or meant to be offensive. I mean no disrespect to anyone mentioned herein.

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Twist

Chapter 1- "Have The Prettiest Holiday Ever"

Chloe is bored. The kind of bored where you're so bored you don't want to do anything, except maybe poke your eyes out with a sharp stick. She's sprawled across her bed, watching the ceiling fan turn. Did you know on low it turns ninety-five times every minute, on medium it turns one hundred forty-two times per minute, and on high it turns one hundred ninety times per minute? Pretty interesting. Not.

Gabe left that morning for a business meeting with Lex. Something about LuthorCorp, but Chloe was already too bored to pay attention. Lana was at the Talon for a full shift. Chloe had called Clark, but he was helping Mr. Kent on the farm today, making up for skipping his chores last night to help Chloe with the Torch. Pete, being the loyal friend he was, was helping Clark and Mr. Kent. Chloe was so bored that she had even asked Mrs. Kent if she needed any help around the house. No such luck.

So, here she lies, counting rotations of a dusty fan. 

She had to get a life. One that didn't involve meteor induced psychos, or waiting for a certain flannel-clad farmboy who wouldn't be getting a clue any time soon. She sighed heavily, hauling herself off of the bed. Something had to be done about her present situation.

She walked slowly to the living room, glancing around tiredly. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Maybe she could get some inspiration from the kitchen. Food always seemed to inspire Pete. What's this? Something was laying on the counter. 

Lana's Twist magazine. "Want to be a great kisser?" "Get your prettiest party look ever!" "10 holiday hotties, a gift you'll really love to unwrap!" screamed the headlines. She would have to be pretty desperate to read this pathetic attempt at raising the teenage girls' self-esteem even further by implying that there was something wrong with her kissing skills or party looks already.

What did she have to lose? Chloe picked up the magazine as if she was afraid that the ideas inside would somehow transfer to her through osmosis and turn her into another perky, perfect cheerleader type. She glanced around quickly for meteor rocks. With her luck there would be one nearby that would bring her fears to life.

Chloe walked to the couch, curling up on one end. She dragged a beige throw pillow into her lap to lay the magazine on and started flipping through. 

Ok, ads, ads, "Get J. Lo's look- for just 9 bucks!" Maybe not. Flipping, flipping. Justin Timberlake. And moving on…quickly! "Caught on Camera." "That teacher hated me!" 

Get over it. There has to be _something_ good in this magazine. "How Embarrassing." Why would Chloe want to read about someone else's most embarrassing moments when her whole life was one big embarrassing moment? She really did not see what Lana saw in these kinds of magazines.

Chloe kept flipping the pages, only staying on one page long enough to skim the titles. This wasn't going to keep her occupied very long. 

Ooh, Josh Hartnett. You know, _he_ was the one who was supposed to live at the end of _Pearl Harbor_. After all, it was _his_ baby. The plot of the movie only helped to promote sex before marriage, and make it seem okay to have illegitimate children.

Chloe sighed. This wasn't any better than counting fan rotations. She flipped through the magazine, not really looking at anything in particular. The pages flipped by in a blur when her eyes caught on something blue. She turned back to it to find a hand complete with acrylic nails and sparkly rhinestones on them. "Have your prettiest holiday ever!" The page screamed at her. It was a quiz.

"Want to find your ultimate style this season? Take our quiz and then turn the page to discover the outfit and makeup that'll have you turning heads at every party!" the caption promised. If Chloe wasn't going against her principles before, she was now as she reached for a pen to take the ridiculous quiz.

Question one. "If you could raid one of these celebs' closets, whose would it be? A: Jennifer Lopez." That's a big no there. Chloe didn't have the butt to fit into J. Lo's outfits. "B: Sarah Michelle Gellar." That's a definite possibility. Sarah Michelle was one girl with at least some modicum of fashion sense. "C: Kelly Osbourne." Ugh! That girl _needed_ some fashion sense. "D: Katie Holmes." Nope. Way too 'girl next door' for Chloe. Chloe checked off "B."

Question two. "Your ideal first date is: A: A moonlight picnic on the beach." Nice, but all that sand? It's bound to get everywhere. In the food, your clothes, the car. It would takes months to get it all out. Definitely not worth it. "B: Dinner and a movie." That had potential. "C: Scoring tickets to this year's hottest concert." A picture of Mettalica flashed into Chloe's mind. "C" is out. "D: A low-key hike through a mountain trail." Chloe did enough walking at school. With a swift move of the pen she marked "B."

Question three. "You never leave home without your: A. Nails polished. B: Tiny diamond stud earrings. C: A bright velour track suit." Uhm, no. Chloe in nail polish and a velour suit? Worlds of no. "D: A new pair of sneakers." Chloe would never wear sneakers with her trendy outfits, but that was the best answer of the four.

Okay, on to the fourth out of a line of pointless, meaningless questions. "This holiday, you're hoping to get: A: a super-pampering massage at Elizabeth Arden." It's about time someone pampered Chloe. She deserved it with all the work she put into the Torch and extra research she did at Clark's beck and call. "B: Chanel's new Chance perfume. C: Wild highlights at the hip and trendy Bumble and Bumble salon. D: Aveda's Rosemary Mint Hand and Body Wash." No, but the last might be a good idea for a Christmas present for Lana. Chloe made a mental note to look into it, then checked off "A."

"Your ultimate ride is: A: A red BMW convertible." That was more Lex's style than Chloe's. "B: a chaffeured Mercedes." Scrap that. "B" was definitely a better choice for Lex Luthor. "C: A Lexus SUV. D: A Volkswagon Bug." Chloe wasn't a person to run with the fads, but she had to admit that the Volkswagon Bugs _were_ pretty nice looking. The Bug it is, then.

Eight down, two to go. "Your secret celebrity crush is: A: Ben Affleck. B: Freddie Prinze Junior. C: Eminem. D: Jimmy Fallon." First of all, Freddie Prinze Junior was way too pretty. Second of all, Eminem had way too many issues. And Jimmy Fallon was just…no! Ben Affleck, then.

Yes, finally the last question. "One beauty trend you so weren't into was: A: Dark gothic lipstick. B: Pink highlights." That was Lana just waiting to happen. "C: The natural look." What's wrong with the natural look? Every woman is beautiful. They don't need makeup or- Wait, this is a magazine. Why was she wasting a perfectly good speech on a magazine? With a shrug Chloe read the last option. "D: Rhinestoned acrylic nail tips." That would be the answer. Rhinestones are meant for vintage necklaces and bracelets, not fake nails.

Now to count up the answers. Apparently you're supposed to tally the number of A's, B's and so on. Alright. That was do-able enough. With a quick tally Chloe counted two A's, three B's, one C, and four D's. 

"If you chose mostly 'D's'…You're a Bohemian Babe!" O…k… "Your hottest look: Paisley prints and a sun-kissed glow enhance your natural-yet-sexy appeal." 

Chloe snorted. If she were so naturally sexy then she would be with Clark by now. Just another reason that it was a bad idea to look at this magazine. Now, not only was her mind on Clark, but it was on how she had missed her chance with him. 

Chloe let out a deep breath she hadn't known she was holding, then continued to flip through the pages.

TBC- "Should you date your guy friend: Does it look like love? Is he sending mixed messages? Or are you doomed to be friends?" Find out next…


	2. Should You Date Your Guy Friend?

Chapter 2- 'Should You Date Your Guy Friend?'

"Oh, this is rich. 'Should you date your guy friend?'" Chloe asked, laughing softly. "Well, why not? I'd really like to know."

Question one. "Who usually hangs up when you talk on the phone? You or him?" Well, the few times that they've talked in the past millennium Clark has always hung up first. Chloe circled "him."

Question two. "On Valentine's Day, he not only gave you a card, but bought you: jewelry or a cd, or nothing-the meanie!" Actually, Clark is pretty good in this department. He usually picks up a flower or some type of gift. Chloe circled "jewelry or a CD."

Moving on. "When you see him in the hall, he: stops by your locker to chat, or shouts 'hey' as he walks by." If Clark dared to just whiz past Chloe he would get an earful! He always stops to talk.

"When he's telling a story in a big group of people, does he: Look at you the entire time, or make sure he doesn't ignore anyone?" Clark Kent and big groups of people do not mix. But, when he does talk in big groups he always makes sure to not leave anyone out. Well, at least he does now that he knows that Chloe feels like he ignores her.

Chloe checked off the second answer. The line from that lead to the second answer box titled "Mixed Messages." Oh great, as if Chloe didn't know that already!

"OMG! One minute he acts like he's got a major crush on you, and the next he acts like you're best buds." Chloe snorted. She knew this already. "What's up? He could be a big ol' tease. Or, he could be too nervous to tell you he likes you because he isn't sure you like him back. (Boys!)" Chloe almost choked. The only person Clark was too nervous to talk to was Lana Lang. Chloe shuddered at the thought of Lana in a pink sweater set, leaning over Clark's computer in the Torch office. 

"If your feelings are more than just friendly, subtly let him know." You mean, like blowing up in the middle of a career fair? Or maybe giggling uncontrollably at the Spring Formal with said best friend? All Chloe hasn't done is hit Clark upside the head with a sign that says 'I love you, you idiot!'

"Bring him his homework next time he's out sick." Clark is never sick. Nix that idea.

"Or ask him to hang out without your whole group sometime." Chloe sighed. Last time she went to ask Clark if he wanted to hang out she caught him gazing out of his telescope, and it was _not _pointed at the stars.

"If he takes the bait, this just might be the beginning of a great romance!" Yeah, it might have been if Chloe's defense mechanism hadn't kicked in. She could kick herself for that!

"If not-his loss!" Yeah, his loss. If Clark didn't want her, then too bad for him. He had no idea what he was missing out on! Chloe smirked proudly, straightening her shoulders. It was his loss.


End file.
